Rising Above Autopilot

Sometimes life can be difficult, so much so that we stop thinking and just automatically keep moving forward, going through the motions of daily life without much thought. We are in such a routine to accomplish our goals each day that we may forget about important priorities, such as our safety, our health, taking the time to grieve, or even sleep. We are fortunate to survive these periods of operating on autopilot. The unfortunate thing is, when we continue to move forward when we actually should be resting, we accomplish less than what we would have achieved if we had taken a break. When this situation occurs, the primary goal becomes rising above autopilot.

Operating in autopilot mode has many repercussions. My most significant example is a time in my life when too many tragedies occurred simultaneously, and it was hard to work through exactly what had just happened in each instance. I had moved back to my home state of Oklahoma after living in California for 30 years. I had promised my mother I would be there for her if she ever needed me, and I learned one day, when I received a phone call from a hospital in Oklahoma, that it was time to help. The hospital said my mother had an infection, and while she was in the hospital they noticed she had a memory problem. She was tested for and diagnosed with dementia, so the hospital moved her to skilled nursing, saying she could not leave the nursing home unless someone was at home to take care of her at all times.

Lucky for me, or so I thought, my three sons, who I had raised as a single parent for 20 years, were now grown and I could move home to care for my mother. I gave notice at work, packed up my things, and was back in Oklahoma in 2 weeks to rescue my mother from the nursing home. My sons understood the situation and were busy with college, careers, or starting a family. It was imperative to immediately move to Oklahoma because my mother was fading rapidly, and I began operating on autopilot.

I remember driving over Tucumcari Pass in New Mexico on my way to Oklahoma when I was caught in the middle of a snowstorm and watching as trucks pulled over to wait out the storm. I began praying aloud because the snow and ice started falling at a faster pace. It did not seem safe to keep going, and it did not seem safe to stay on the pass either. I took a chance and kept driving, and I made it to Tucumcari just in time before the weather worsened.

When I arrived, I went straight to the nursing home because my mother was quickly fading. She blossomed when I first got her home. Sadly, her dementia deteriorated into Alzheimer’s, and it became even more of a challenge because I had never been around someone with this disease. One thing I learned is that caring for an Alzheimer’s patient is a 24-hour-a-day job. I also learned that a person becomes sleep deprived when being on call 24 hours a day for two years.

Hospice helped me care for her as her condition worsened. We put my mother’s hospital bed in front of her favorite picture window in the den so she could watch the birds outside. Although I had help, I was operating on autopilot because I was living both my life and my mother’s life since she had become incapacitated. I was still a mother to my sons, helping them from a distance, and taking care of my mother’s responsibilities as well as my own as her condition slowly worsened.

Just when I thought this situation was already harder than when I raised my three sons alone, I received a phone call from California. It was the most painful conversation I ever had because I received the most heartbreaking news a parent can hear. A car had hit my oldest son and he had died instantly. I was already on autopilot, but I had to dig even deeper as I arranged for help to stay with my mother so I could fly to California for the funeral service of my eldest child. I kept going because I had to, and after the funeral I flew back home to Oklahoma.

A few months passed as I was grieving the death of my oldest son and trying to help his brothers grieve from a distance. I then received a phone call from one of my twin sons, who had recently graduated from college and moved to New York City to be a Certified Public Accountant. He was living his dream as he worked through the grief of losing his brother when he became very ill. He learned he had cancer at the age of 25 years old. He started treatment but became too sick to care for himself, and at the same time my mother was getting very close to death. I made the executive decision to move my son back to California for cancer treatment and have home health care take care of my mother for a month. My son and I were fortunate enough to move back into our old apartment a block from the beach until he finished his cancer treatments. His twin brother also lived in California, and it was a bright spot in our lives that we could all be together again at this difficult time. Unfortunately, my mother passed away while I was taking care of my son. When my son’s cancer treatment was over I returned to Oklahoma, and he was able to return to New York City.

My whole family was operating on autopilot at this point because that is what you do when you are in survival mode. It took several years to work through the grief, recover from the sleep deprivation, and realize that I had been operating on autopilot for much too long. Rising above autopilot can be a challenge, but I am grateful that rest, faith, exercise, and a healthy diet brought me back to a peaceful place.

It is important to remember that you are not alone if challenges become overwhelming and we are all in this together. There is help available, so be sure to reach out to others if you need assistance in rising above autopilot.